I don’t know what purpose there for me in writing or in doing most of the things that I have been building for over 10 years.
It makes me sit face to face with all the things that I wish my brain would forget knowing. The long list of “we told you so.”
I don’t write like I should or like the yt man taught me, so that’s a problem too.
I get to see on paper how much of a failure I am.
I see how much harm I have endured, that other folx named as what I deserve.
It doesn’t make me feel better, It isn’t a release.
It is yet another thing for me to do and for others to ignore. Or for them to point out and say just how weird and off I am.
I wrote and did for 10+ years in the space before rebranding this year and nothing.
It took me 11 years to make it to 10k on IG and that has been nothing but more harm.
My work goes unnoticed and people won’t unfollow me, no matter how much I beg I request, its like it’s a joke, and people want front row access to the embarrassment of who I am.
At this point in time I am broken and there is nothing I can do about it.
All of my family seems to think this is some sort of joke, that again, I brought upon myself.
I have been undoing all of this harm with just me, ancestors, and spirit.
I will never hold space with those people ever again.
The harm I have endured from the people I come from, now knowing that I had AuDHD and other things that were serious and needed to be handled with care.
Their job was giving me the best possible access to life, a life of my choosing, and my parents did the exact opposite.
They rewired my already fragile brain via abuse and emotional insecurity.
They gave me life and then proceeded to beat out and remove any part that didn’t sit well with dominant culture and what they needed me to be, because they were failures too.
No one seems to see this has a serious offense.
It is indeed heavy, heavy, heavy.
To be 40 and to have to start over again, back to 4 except this time I am on my own. Accountability be damned.
That I should want to sit at a table with and continue to center my transgressors.
“You’re an adult now, deal with it”
How can I be an adult when my childhood, the foundation that was supposed to prepare me for the rest of my life was stolen?
I am done with all of it for now.
The K(news)letter is on hold, I was preparing to relaunch this month. I am not.
I am not looking for a captive audience of zombies. I am looking for folx who care and understand, who want to engage and grow.
Black folx got it figured all out and yt folx just interested in exploiting and pretending until it’s back to business as usual.
There is no space for me in this world where everyone is pretending to be something they are not.
And it’s absurd that the expectation is that I should just continue in the face of it all, that isn’t community building.
That’s isn’t helping people to recognize that we are the tech(know)logy and that liberation starts at home with the basics.
So I stop. Ya’ll got it.
I’ll reassess in the spring after completion of the Litm(us) workbook.
I’ll post the occasional story on IG but that’s it.
Ya’ll got everyone ya’ll need for the new world and the old too and that doesn’t include me.
We still need help making it through the winter months.
CA - $thekiingcurry
VM - @kiingcurry
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