the biggest key to healing and being able to regulate my OCD is releasing control around food.
we live in a culture that obsesses about food and fatphobia.
and as a result a lot of my obsession via OCD was connected to food, which was used to abuse and control me.
I was a fat child just as I am a fat adult. A lot of that fat as a child was connected to physical abuse, emotionally negligent parents, whose strategy was to push me into assimilation because they couldn’t.I was also likely deeply hyperactive so food again was used to slow me down in a harmful manner.
As a result of parents who ignorantly believed that nothing was wrong with me; my allergies were ignored(I was forced to eat everything), mast cells and histamine intolerance, a period that started at 8. all of these things were causing my body to be extremely inflamed, and was further exacerbating my OCD and AuDHD.
lo carb
vegan
vegetarian
I did lo-carb for the first time in undergrad and it was the first time that I lost all of my “baby” fat which was actually abuse fat. It was a time where I felt the best in my body, but my mind during that time was reeling and making poor choices because of a lack of calories.
I was vegan/vegetarian for about half of my life. 15-20 years consistently. The pandemic is what broke my obsession with veganism because of supply chain issues and cost.
veganism in tandem with alcohol abuse sped me into another type of obsessive flare.
now that I am completely unmasked and fully integrated into this new me I have never known, there are so many gaps in my health that need to maintained on a daily basis.
a lot of these gaps and deficiencies were caused by my being groomed into american food culture which is toxic as all get out. my learning to eat and to make foods a millions miles away from my indigeneity.
it’s weird to me and it is a deficiency I am working to undo. the fact that I know how to cook the dishes of so many cultures and I know very little of wide breadth that is Afrikan food. This is colonial wild fire and I intend to put it out.
controlling the onslaught of obsessive thoughts, rumination, as well as compulsion means I have to eat, and well. Most foods that were used to groom me to assimilation I can no longer tolerate. I am allergic to pizza and pasta and a lot of the things o was forced to eat growing up. these yt things that were actually causing my body and by OCD to storm and revolt.
eating my OCD, means a higher calorie intake so that my body feeds on the nutrients from the food and not my brain, which keeps obsession and compulsion in a realm where I have the control.
growing up in a Black family where the belief of our tropes and stereotypes was swallowed, there were numerous red flags that let my parents know they needed to take another route in understanding and accommodating me and they chose not to.
my other family members chose not to.
the way this lack of care opened me up to the sexual, physical abuse and harm of men. my father with his ignorant notions of masculinty and hypersexuality that he used to groom my mother and then me.
i’ve spent almost 40 years of my life being stolen from myself.
so it’s a hella serious thing and why I will forever stand on the business that family is chosen, because they didn’t even try, generational trauma knocked on the door and they opened it wide, fixed him a strong beverage’s, and rolled out the stowaway bed and asked him to stay.
having children is not a game and yet here we are still using babies like pawns in a game of slavery transformed, instead of healing our own ish.
Miss me with all of it.
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